Purging my former self Thursday, Apr 10 2008

Time to go – see ya later

Get out, walk away

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out-

better yet, let it. 

I can’t do this anymore. Things

MUST
CHANGE

You
MUST
GO

I’m better than that,

I deserve:

SELF CONFIDENCE

HAPPINESS

LOVE

SELF WORTH

PURITY

Let’s start over, fix what’s broken,

pick up the tiny, broken, lifeless shards strewn all over the floor-

Shards which used to be my heart, my soul, my perfect love-

the love I can no longer give because you messed up

You broke it, you didn’t do things right -  the way you were supposed to

Can’t blame anyone but yourself-

and for that

I will

ALWAYS

DESPISE

the
FORMER
ME.

 

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Cleanse me Tuesday, Dec 18 2007

Now’s the time to spew

to get rid of the toxins brewing inside,

to purge what is eating away, living, crawling,

ruining every facet of my being.

You sit there and say this and say that

spewing shit-words, just words

they mean NOTHING to me.

I’m numb, everything grey-

I can’t feel anything anymore,

it’s all slipping away,

I’m falling further,

sinking lower

and there’s nothing I can

do

or say;

and yet the reel rolls,

and my movie plays on.

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FALLING Sunday, Dec 2 2007

OK FREAK OUT!! I am really starting to bite my nails on this one.  I have a problem-I’m in the beginning phase of falling.  This is a problem because I  tend to do this too easily.  I am a little nervous about this- I don’t want to hurt-I don’t want to feel pain and I’m afraid if I start falling I won’t be able to soften the landing.  The even bigger problem is the fact that I don’t know if I would land where I want to.  If I knew arms would be there to catch me I wouldn’t be so afraid, the landing would be gentle and welcome.  I know this could be good, I know this could be right but it’s the landing I’m worried about.  We’ve had this conversation, we’ve talked about this road, but I don’t know if we are walking down the same trail.  I want to go for a walk, I want to walk down that path, I want to do that, hand in hand, with him.  I need to know if that will happen-ever.  I can handle a yield sign here and there, but if ‘dead end’ appears on the side of the road, I need to turn around, go back, start over, try again on a different road.  The thing is though- I can’t read the road signs-they’re blurry, fuzzy, I can’t make out what they say. 

I’m starting to fall and I’m not sure the landing will be very soft.  I guess we will see…..

***It’s not about how hard you fall-it’s about who’s there to help you get back up***

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Better Days Thursday, Nov 29 2007

Wow! how things have changed since my last post!!  Life is good for the most part.  I am still dumbfounded by some people.  I don’t understand…..Patience is a virtue or so they say but what happened to life in the fast lane??  After time patience drys up and there isn’t much to do about that.

The semester is almost done-thank God for that!!!  Ready for a break is all- time with family and friends-especially Tucker!!!  Looking forward to Christmas too-I love the holiday season! 

Ready to graduate!!! April needs to get here fast!!!  Can’t come soon enough.

Live it up!!!  Do it to it!

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So long farewell Sunday, May 20 2007

Ever have it where walking away is the only thing to do?  and only to save yourself?  I have to and it isn’t fun or funny or anything else but awful.  Pretty sure this is the best analogy:  So some little kid wants a cookie but mom says no. O.k. so instead he goes into the kitchen and stands by the counter waiting so he can see it and smell it and probably feel the warmth radiating off the cookie sheet, but he can’t touch it or eat it.  Pure torture right??  RIGHT- who does that?  This little kid.  The smell, taste and warmth are doing more harm than good so the little kid better get his ass out of the kitchen. 

It’s time for me to exit as well.  I’m walking away to find a better something or other.  Not sure where it’s at but I’ll find it I swear.  I’m going to walk into someone else’s kitchen where it’s ALL fair game. 

There’s my analogy for the day….

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Dililah Disaster Thursday, May 10 2007

 I want my Dililah moment.  I want to forget your name and your face, your smell, your hands and the feel of your skin.  I resolve to forget- not want- WILL.  It’s the only way to get my Dililah moment and right now that’s what I need, crave, thrist for.  Oh Dililah!  Oh to be you.  Someday, some sweet day I will get my Dililah moment.  Some sweet day I will forget your name.  I Will forget your face.  I WIll for get your smell.  I WILl forget your hands.  And I WILL forget the feel of your skin.  Someday- some sweet day. 

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spewing Wednesday, May 9 2007

Ok. so right now I am so unbelievabley angry with some people it’s amazing.  I’m not one who gets angry easily but this just has to be said…. Who the hell said that in order to belong to ‘one side or the other’ you have to believe and adhere to everything that party says..oh and who says that you even have to identify with a party?????  Too many of us think that we have to be republican or democrat, oh and remember that if you are that automatically makes you conservative or liberal.  Right-o  We aren’t as all polarized as those ‘big wigs’ make us out to be and you know what, if we would all just listen to one another and disagree civily then maybe this country wouldn’t have such a problem.  Maybe the state of Michigan might actually improve…??  Ok. to finish this up I just have to say that marking a person as R or D and then assuming things about that person is low and lame and you can do better than that…come on 

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bloggerlogger?? Sunday, Apr 29 2007

So…….never thought I would be a ‘blogger’.  I can honestly say that I don’t like technology!!  So pretty sure I’ve been sick for days and it’s about time it go away.  The worst part about it is I can only hear out of one ear  WTF!?  it’s soooooooo annoying. 

today I saw the most amazing house!!  A friend of my dad’s…. this house was 11000 sq. feet.  Unbelievablely gourgeous.  and her barns for her horses-amazing!!!  oh and she had this dog-cutest thing- it was a wire-haired german pointer or something…. if anyone has any idea what I’m talking about let me know because I want to know what kinda dog it is-adorable!!

Ever find that when you have time off you really don’t have time off??  I have this next week off of school but it’s already full of stuff I have to do- doctor, cleaning, washer/dryer, etc.  craziness!!  It’s nice to have time off but it’ll be nice to get back into things with school next Monday.  Super excited for my capstone class with prof. White- he is AMAZING-can’t wait.

anywho need to scoot- as someone I once knew used to say- later days!

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Starting over Thursday, Apr 26 2007

Today is a new starting point for this blog.  I am starting over and making it my own, my outlet.

Things are really good for me right now.  I am loving it all!!  School is done for a week- it feels really odd not to have any homework or projects/papers etc. to do.  Odd in a good way  ). 

I’m sick right now but that’s no biggy.  It is absolutely amazing to me how happy and comfortable I am with myself!  I can’t even describe how I feel.  They say change is a bad thing but I have to say- I am so glad my perception of myself has changed!  Sure there are things that I wish weren’t lacking in my life but I think I deal quite well and besides, those things don’t make me who I am.  Who I am as a person right now is complete.  I am so comfortable in my own skin and so comfortable with who I am.  I LOVE IT!

Life in general is going well.  Like I said there are things that I wish I could add to it but they’re not necessary and perhaps it’s simpler without them.  We’ll see if they ever come around…..

Whoever reads this- penny for the day- respect you, protect you, love you! 

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